Addiction is a disease for which there is no cure, but treatment can help. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Addiction is a chronic condition that can affect many aspects of your life, including your physical and mental health, relationships, and career. There are two main forms of addiction: substance use disorders and behavioral addictions.”
It's also a condition that’s difficult to understand if you don’t suffer from it. And, for Mathew, it took 29 years, two stays at a rehabilitation facility, countless ER trips, and destroyed relationships to recognize this.
Related: What is Addiction and How Can it be Treated?
Every Story is Unique. Here’s How Mathew’s Started.
While people who suffer from addiction may have similar experiences, every story is unique, and Mathew wants to share his story in hopes of helping others. He said, “While my story differs from many you may have heard, that doesn't make me special.” There are many factors that can lead to addiction and often include past trauma that occurred during childhood or adolescence.[1] They can also include genetics, mental health illnesses, and environmental factors.1 Mathew said, “I lived an almost ideal childhood with both parents until I was 16. I was and still am very loved, never abused or neglected, and blessed with talents many would love to have.” However, money wasn't abundant, though he never thought of it as a major issue as he never wanted anything.
Yet, the disease of addiction hit him hard at an early age, which caused trauma that still follows him today. He said, “Wherever I go, it’s a shadow I cannot run away from.” Mathew’s addiction started at age 7 with food. He would take food, particularly sweets, when people weren't looking and then lie about it when asked where it was or where it went. He said, “These are deceptive traits. They aided me with many addictions yet to come.”
Next came a surprising addiction for a third grader — pornography. At age 16 he had his first drinking experience. Mathew said, “Two of my best friends and I drank a 1/2 gallon of vodka, killing the whole thing between us.”
He said in all honesty, “There was no pain to cover up or trauma to deal with. I just loved it. The next morning, I was severely hungover, yet I loved the altered state of consciousness so much that I couldn't wait to drink again. That day was January 4, 2010, and that feeling of having to have more and more substances still plagues me today.”
At 17, he tore a disc in his back while lifting weights, which led to an introduction to pain pills. Even after the pain stopped, he found ways to get a hold of them. He said, “I felt invincible and euphoric, and they were a true performance enhancer. I graduated high school with a 4.08 GPA. I played football well enough to earn a scholarship to Oklahoma Baptist University, something I had dreamt of since I was old enough to throw a ball.”
However, going to a new place and a new life meant he couldn't get the fix he needed to perform how he was accustomed to. He ended up bailing out of his dream after only a year. He said, “That's when the actual trauma started. Drinking and smoking became the norm for me. Because I excelled at my job, I didn't see it as a problem. I mean, what 20-year-old didn't get ‘tore up from the floor up’ any chance he got? At least, that's how my brain rationalized it.”
Impact of Addiction on Mathew’s Relationships
Mathew met his now ex-wife at his job. He recalls, “It was love unlike I had ever experienced before or since.” Mathew was at the peak of life. He had the love of his life, a great job, and reliable transportation. “It was the happiest life I had lived up to this point,” he said. He continued, “And yet, I came across opiates again. There wasn't any physical pain. Yet, as soon as the pills kicked in, that warm feeling came over me, and I knew instantly that I had to do whatever it took to keep the pills coming. I started to lie to my wife and steal pills from wherever I could find them. Everything else be damned. Eventually, she realized what I had been in denial about: I loved getting high more than I loved her.”
Mathew said, “The divorce that ensued brought pain I would never wish upon any human being. Knowing that it was my fault drove me into a depression that I never thought I could escape.” For Mathew, his life became meaningless. “I could no longer work. All I could do was whatever substance was in front of me,” he continued. Since alcohol was the easiest to obtain, it became the primary addiction. He said, “But I never drank to escape the pain. I drank to feel the pain. I would listen to songs that reminded me of her.” He felt it was the punishment he deserved. The addiction continued and only got worse as he moved on to other substances. He said, “The only six-month stretch where I didn't drink was, ironically, the worst my addiction had ever been.”
This was during his “second and only other serious relationship to date,” which revolved around the motto, “Anything but sober.” He said, “We bought out the worst in each other and had the audacity to call it love. My primary addiction was alcohol; hers was Benzos (such as Xanax). However, in our twisted minds, methamphetamines were a common ground that we found. That relationship ended, as you might expect.” They both checked into rehab facilities independently after splitting up. Mathew reflected, “She lost custody of her son temporarily, and I lost the family I had loved, all because of a substance neither of us wanted to use.”
Related: How to Cope With Substance Use Disorders
Mathew’s first stay at rehab was in a seven-month program. He said, “That’s where I cemented my faith in Christ. However, I did not receive the education or tools to help me remain sober.” Mathew is thankful that he found Lake Point. He said, “I am learning those tools. I'm a little over halfway through the program. My recovery has me primed to live better. Between meetings, group counseling sessions, and learning from my peers, I have learned more in my first two weeks than in the 29 years of life experience thus far.”
Mathew believes that a lot of creativity comes with maintaining an addiction. Now he is rechanneling that creativity to achieve his dreams. He said, “I have my faith and a tremendous support group. Now it's time to accept that addiction is a lifetime battle and then get what I've always wanted. The only thing standing between me and a family, a degree, and a career in journalism was a disease.” He continued, “Thanks to Lake Point and the work I do every day, it's mine for the taking. Don't feel sorry for me or any of my peers. We don't want your sympathy, but we need your empathy.”
At Lake Point, we provide a variety of substance abuse recovery programs. If you or someone you love are struggling with addiction, please contact us.
[1] https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/6407-addiction
